One year ago this week, I was tired, in much pain and scared of the future. Today, I'm tired (for different reasons), in some pain (same different reasons) and so excited for each new day.
Learning that I needed a hysterectomy was gutting. I felt like I failed as a woman, I wasn't strong enough, my membership in the sisterhood was revoked. I couldn't even be that woman that had a tampon to loan you in the public bathroom anymore. I just knew I was making a mistake...
It was a slow road to total recovery. I managed to exercise pretty frequently despite major surgery but was easily fatigued for a good 6 months. Once the healing began, I started to feel better than ever. I hadn't had this kind of energy since puberty began. I didn't want to waste any more of my time being sick and lying around.
Not long after the surgery, I took my daughter, Maggie, down to join the junior roller derby team in our town. I enjoyed skating so much as a kid and I knew Maggie was getting into it since moving here. Within minutes of talking to her new coach she was asking me what was stopping me from joining the adult team. I stared blankly at her for a minute, then told her I'd get back to her in a year. I didn't stop thinking about that moment for another 8 months.
Maggie continued to practice with her team and I watched her progress and change into a different person. She had a new confidence. Even when she had a bad practice, she was raring to go for the next one.
In January, I was 9 months post-op. Not quite the one year my doctor recommended before resuming any high impact activities. I went to a recruitment night for the Capidolls on a whim. I don't even think I had talked to my husband about it. As everyone already on the team went around in a circle describing derby, I knew I wanted this.
I should mention, I had not skated since at least 1993 before this night.
I was given a packet of required skills needed to join the team. The list was daunting and I started to really feel like I was in over my head. I wondered if some of these drills & skills were maybe not doable for someone that has had the repairs I had.
After a week I was ready to just give up. I wanted it bad but didn't think I had it in me. I was keeping it a secret from everyone just in case it didn't work out. Then, like they sensed my mental state, I started getting friend requests on Facebook, one by one. My new sisters were rallying around me in support. I can't remember the last time I felt anything like that. How could I quit when I was locked into such a huge commitment as being Facebook friends?!
My husband convinced me to call my doctor about some of my fears, the ones she could do anything about. The rest, I'd just have to suck up. We went through my skill packet together on the phone. Dr. C had workarounds for most things that were iffy or not okay for me and assured me a life as a derby girl was within reach.
I had team practice on Tuesdays, Scrimmaging on Thursdays, Skating Skills classes on Saturdays and I spent many Sunday nights at sessions just trying to get ready for my skills test.
Here we are, 3 months later. After many many falls, more sweat than I ever thought possible and even a little pee on the track, I am tougher than ever before. I guess I didn't need a uterus to make me feel invincible after all.
On the eve of my graduation from Fresh Meat to Punisher, I want to thank everyone that helped me get here, and those that are standing with me as we graduate together.
And on the eve of my first bout, I am so thankful for everyone in my life that pushed me, encouraged me, taught me, patted me on the back or high fived me. It means the world to me.
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